This is the month of Valentines, the time of love. Many of us look to this time as an opportunity to be shown how much we're loved by that special someone. Those who don't have a love feel sad and incomplete.

I have seen so many people - including myself - suffer with broken hearts, it seems like it must be a necessary component of life. Inevitably, in the middle of the deepest pain of a broken heart, we wonder why-why-why . it has to be this way. However it happens, our soul mate leaves us for another, falls out of love with us, or even dies, we are devastated.

For so many people to go through so much pain, it would seem that there must be something for it teaches us. What do we gain from the suffering? Diane is still angry about her husband leaving her more than 50 years ago. My former landlady lost her fiancé in World War II - she was in her 70s by the time I knew her and she still wasn't over it.

First love is innocent, we fall in love without the awareness of the pain of loss. But once we have lost, we can be afraid to suffer that pain again. In order to allow yourself to fall in love, you have to be willing to let yourself be in pain.

I loved the book Eat, Pray, Love. In it, author Elizabeth Gilbert speaks about having a broken heart, about having been in pain for a year. One of her friends tells her to, "throw another six months at it." The wisdom of that message is that it takes time to heal a broken heart. But there are things that will help.

First it helps to recognize that, no matter what happened, you aren't a victim. No one "did it to you."

Second, it helps to really accept what is. If a relationship is over, no matter what happened, it doesn't help to beat your head against the brick wall of facts. No amount of wishing will change that it's over.

Third, it's helpful to convince yourself to not ever want to be with that person romantically again. It takes a lot of work to do this. If you are able to pray, this is a time when your faith will help you.

Fourth, try to remember that even though you are in pain, some good will come of this. There is a higher purpose, sometimes we just don't see it. The people I've known who healed a broken heart were able to see the higher good. One of my dearest friends was devastated by the end of her 20-year marriage, for a long time. Now she has a beautiful sense of herself that she would never have had without that experience.

One patient of mine said he was tired of being responsible for holding a part of his ex-girlfriend's spirit for her. He felt as though she was unwilling to be fully herself.

We are conditioned to look for a "soul mate" to be with us as a completion of ourselves. But this isn't what we are meant to do. When we find a soul mate, the purpose is to be fully connected to ourselves and share with the other, not to have them fulfill us.

It is difficult to heal from a broken heart without bitterness and anger. The challenge is to find that place inside of your self that feels strong and well no matter what; the part that doesn't need another to be complete. Facing that challenge will allow you to feel and connect to love within yourself.